Perfectionism: Our Inner Critic

Perfectionism can be a coping mechanism we develop in response to a painful feeling: shame, humiliation, rejection? Perfectionism can be an attempt to never experience that painful feeling ever again.

Perfectionism isn’t always a response to trauma, but it can be. Maybe we experienced shame from a caregiver whenever a mistake was made, maybe our decisions and every move felt criticized. As a result, now maybe we believe if we just work a little harder or a little smarter, that somehow we can outrun or outsmart ever having to experience the same pain again.

While perfectionism may even lead to some success in our academic or professional lives, it also leads to feelings of failure and low-self esteem when we inevitably fail to meet the impossible standards we have set for ourselves. Perfectionism can contribute to anxiety, depression, high stress levels and burnout.

How to begin to challenge our inner critic:

  1. Identify all or nothing thinking: Are we using absolutes? “If I’m not perfect, then I’m a failure”. Look for the grey area and offer self-compassion. “I made one mistake, but did well in all the other areas, everyone makes mistakes”

  2. Offer compassion and kindness: What would you tell a friend or loved one in this situation?

  3. Set realistic goals: Ask yourself - “Is this a fair or realistic goal, would I expect this of a friend, a co-worker or a loved one?”

  4. Seek help: A therapist can help you to gain perspective and clarity about your goals and expectations and explore how to set healthy standards that allow you to be your best self without costing you your emotional well-being.


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